Dumb and Wrong, D20: II

I kinda wanted something light after last week, because some people might not even be done reading it. I did want to say a few more things about Thundarr before we begin, though. I watched a documentary I'll link below, and I gotta admit, I've got to eat a little crow. First off, Ookla the Mok was inspired by Enkidu from the Epic of Gilgamesh, who was described as a wild man. He represents the world's bestial nature, with Thundarr representing brawn and Princess Ariel representing intellect or sorcery. This means that Ookla has a much more well thought out genesis than Chewbacca, whom I'm pretty sure exists solely because George Lucas thinks dogs are pretty. Second, when they hired concept and background artists to begin the show, who was one of the dudes they hired? Jack God Damn Kirby.

Here it is, the documentary Lords of Light. 

The more research I do, the more dumb shit I run into. It's inevitable. Really, this series is just all the dumb shit I thought was dumb enough to actually mention. So take that thought, and imagine how much crap didn't make the cut. I love Pathfinder and even Dungeons and Dragons, but a mix of legacy design, churned-out splat books and lazy developers can make for a lot of crap. 

Alter Self

I'm leaving this here as penance. I wrote a whole big thing on Alter Self not having any bonus to disguise checks. Well, turns out the spell doesn't mention any bonus to disguise checks in its description, because it doesn't have to. All spells in the Polymorph subschool give a +20 bonus to disguise checks. The subschool listing also clarifies some things I was wrong on, such as a monster who has an ability(like resistances) granting a lesser version if the spell restricts it. Instead of not being a viable target I mean. Anyway, let this be a lesson: Do your research. Be accurate with the rules, because this time -I- was dumb and wrong.

The Vargouille

I have a pet peeve in gaming. One that's only come up a little bit in the blog so far. Nobody ever wants to look stupid, okay? GMs who are constantly trying to "knock the PCs down a peg" to "bring them back to reality" or worse, cause comedy at their expense piss me off. The GM's job is to help the players feel cool and accomplished. To challenge the characters mentally, emotionally and physically. It isn't to "keep them in check" and make them look like Don Fucking Knotts at every turn. If you disagree with me, pack your shit up because I don't think you're going to be running very many successful games. 

Anyway. 

The Vargouille is a CR2 monster that's basically a nasty looking batlike head that flies around. It's got a poison, it's got a shriek attack, and I'd say it's an okay monster for low levels. I'd say that except for one thing. It's got a kiss attack. You've got to be helpless before they can do it so it's not LIKELY to come up, but it's possible. This is how Vargouilles procreate: It turns you into one. Over the course of  several hours, a victim who failed his fortitude save is transformed. First, he loses his hair. Then, his ears grow into batlike wings. Tentacles sprout on the chin and scalp. Teeth become long pointed fangs. Finally, the victim's head breaks free of the body(which immediately dies) and becomes a Vargouille. I want to point out the description I just laid on you is more or less word for word from the PF Bestiary. Basically your head slowly turns into a dumb looking monster, pops right the fuck off your neck, and flies the fuck away.

Ha. ha ha ha. HAAHahahaha. HA. HA. FUCKING. HA. 

Why does this exist, exactly? I'm not doing a stitch of research but I can tell you it goes back at least to second edition Dungeons and Dragons. If it goes that far, it was probably invented by some asshole who wanted desperately to make his players look as dumb as possible. That sort of shit was more prevalent in our past. I've personally known at least a half dozen people I can see orchestrating this encounter JUST so this dumb dumbassed transformation happens. Focusing attacks on one person, then immediately going for multiple kiss attacks when they drop. It's over and done with within 4D6 hours too, so it's SUPER easy to deny a player the Remove Disease spell they need, even though the transformation is paused by sunlight.

And for the record, if you're one of those people, you know it. Because I've likely already told you off.

While editing this for typos and bad sentences, I noticed that Vargouille has kind of a French thing going on at the end of the word, so I looked up the pronunciation. It's pronounced "Var-GWEEL". So basically, it even sounds stupid as hell. Fuck me, I pine for the days of the fucking Modrons to take me away from this stupid fucking thing. 

The Shoggoth (As in the one in the Pathfinder Bestiary)

Yeah you can tell I was thumbing through the PF Bestiary, shut up. Some of you know about my ire for Call of Cthulhu, the role playing game. For the rest of you...we'll get to it, I promise. Very quickly, though, I'm okay with Lovecraft's content(the literary content, not his opinions on black people) just not where they intersect with gaming in general, and Pen and Paper in specific.

The reason on display here is pretty simple. It really cheapens these monsters to put stats to them. Even if a Shoggoth is CR19. Even if it's got special madness inducing attacks.  It shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what makes Lovecraft awesome to even really draw the picture they did, of a lame-looking grimy green ball with tentacles and mouths. I mean, I get it, though. Lovecraft is public domain and popular as all hell. You put the popular thing in your game and your non-euclidean milkshake brings all the nerd boys to your yard.