Heward's Revenge

Heward was a simple mage fascinated by dimensional mechanics, but mostly he was a man who really, really liked order. He invented many minor spells for cataloging, cleaning, ordering and tidying, but he was never truly known for his efforts. He even invented quite a few magic items, but Heward's Amazing Hiking Staff, Heward's Astonishing Mop Bucket, and Heward's Mind Blowing Book Slipcover never really grew popular.

That is, until he combined his love of dimensional mechanics with his love of storage space. He did not invent the Bag of Holding, but he was fond of saying he perfected it. He made a tidy sum selling the first of Heward's Handy Haversack, and even more teaching other enterprising enchanters how to make them. Finally satisfied with the impact he'd made on the world(and how orderly it was), he settled into semi-retirement.

That is, until he was visited by some of the members of Greyhawk's Circle of Eight. Mordenkainen, Tenser, and Bigby payed an unannounced visit to him, looking rather somber. As he invited them in(and activated Heward's Terrific Tea Pot Which Doesn't Ever Spill) he was told by the mages that something horrible had happened: Wizards of the Coast had decided to remove the mage's names. To compound the problem, there was a new game coming out called Pathfinder, which wasn't even set in Greyhawk at all.

"What will happen to my legacy, then?" He asked.

They told him it would simply be called the Handy Haversack. Bigby added that Drawmij took the news rather well, and that Heward still had all that gold. Still, the mage was incensed. He thanked them for their time, through clenched teeth and forced politeness. That night, he set about working on a new masterpiece. They will fear his passing, even if they did not remember him...

Heward's Harrowing Handbag

Aura: Strong Conjuration
CL: 15th
Slot: None
Weight: 5lbs

This item looks precisely like a Handy Haversack, and functions as such in simple tests. However, in combat or in a social situation that could cause even the slightest amount of emotional strife, the curse activates. Instead of whatever the user wishes to be on top of the Handbag, it instead produces a random embarrassing item, as appropriate. The item does not have to be one the victim actually owns, but it will produce owned items if it would be particularly embarrassing to do so. Otherwise, it can contain, but is not limited to the following.

1-5 A Giant Black Dildo (shape: 1-60 human, 61-90 animal, 91-100 mythical beast)
6-10 Underwear that looks suspiciously like it belongs to another party member
11-15 A ball gag
16-20 A fuzzy animal costume with head
21-25 Embarrassingly Graphic Pornography (opposite to victim's tastes or orientation, if possible)
26-30 An awful looking gaudy sweater made by the victim's mother
31-35 Incredibly cheesy poetry penned by the victim
36-40 Very badly taxidermied small animals
41-45 Gross looking half-eaten food
46-50 Remedial skill guide book, as appropriate for victim's class
51-55 "How to pick up women" guide(or men, whichever would be worse)
56-60 Role playing game materials
61-65 Portrait that looks like it could be victim's mother but she's very ugly
66-70 Feetie Pajamas sized for victim
71-75 Sketch of victim while young that makes them look very geeky and awkward
76-80 Very bad romance novel with embarrassing picture on cover
81-85  Prayer materials appropriate for a really stupid god(opposite to what victim would worship)
86-90 Ugly bright red papercraft heart that says "2 Week Anniversary! 2 Gether 4 Ever!" on it
91-95 Gimp Mask
96-100 Well used stuffed animal or security blanket

The handbag works normally for anyone except the owner of the bag, and a new owner is declared once someone has spent at least 24 hours wearing or carrying the bag. It goes without saying that most of the false items retrieved are worthless, but any attempts to sell the 'false' items retrieved will be met with severe derision, laughter, and the shopkeeper giving uncommonly poor prices unless the person purchasing the item makes a DC 30 will save. Retrieving the item you actually want out of the Handbag once the curse has activated takes 1d4+1 full round actions, regardless of circumstance.

Creation
Magic Items: handy haversack, bag of holding, flatbox